Well it’s been a long time since I’ve written one of these!

So there has been a lot of stuff that has been going on through my mind right now. I mean, nothing bad has been happening. I haven’t had much drama with anyone at my school, and I’ve met some really nice people over at my new school who I enjoy being around.

Some things have been going on has been kind of depressing.

A lot of people that know me, know what happened and who said person was, but I got a bit of a case of cyber bullying. It happened about a week ago and what said person wrote was just really mean, and hurtful. It was upsetting to think that they were my best friend which just made it worse.

If you have read my blog about Michael Bean, it said he was my boyfriend… well that isn’t true anymore. Michael actually broke up with me, and we’ve been broken up for about three weeks now and I’m okay with it. There was never really a reason he broke up with me, I just think that he wanted sex and I wasn’t going to give it to him. That was hard for the first week or so, but now I actually have a new person in my life whom I’d like to share with all of you.

His named is Alex.

Oh my, he is gorgeous. He lives in London, which is scary to think about another long distance relationship, however, I’m really glad I met him. He’s given me so much hope and so much love that I wouldn’t have ever expected from someone I’ve never met. We were talking on skype one evening and I was watching his computer screen as he was looking on my Facebook, he told me to hold on and the screen went blank. I didn’t even know what he could’ve been doing and I was nervous about it. Not that I have anything to hide, just I didn’t know what he could be doing since he was on my Facebook account. In any case, the screen came back on and I looked at my profile. It read the little, “in a relationship with Alex” on my profile. Of course I accepted the offer because I wanted to make everything work between the both of us when I had some really strong feelings for him ever since we started talking.

It’s been three weeks since we’ve dated and I’m really glad that it’s going well right now. Everything is going really well with him. I’m so happy, and I haven’t been able to say that in a long time. He’s like the long lost best friend I didn’t know.

I’m really excited to see where this relationship might actually go. He’s been so sweet to me and I’m really glad to have him here in my life. He’s been doing so much for me without even knowing it and I don’t think that there could be a better person to make me smile. He’s taking my hand and making things work out between a distance of 500,000 miles. This really does have potential and I’m glad that he’s here with me and holding my hand.

Anyway, that’s been about my life right now, summed up in a nut shell. Schools going great actually with all A’s in my classes, and now a new boyfriend… Everything just seems to be going pretty fantastic, except for one thing.

You see, I have been really big on suicide ever since I knew how it felt to be going through the same situations. Recently one of my friend took their life because of teen bullying and possible other things that was going on in their life. I knew him, and not that well, but I just want everyone to be conscious that this was no ones fault. He was worth so much to so many people, that now that he’s gone people are starting to realize it. He’ll forever be in our hearts.

Other than that seriousness, my life has been going wonderfully well.

Thank you Alex for being there. <3

RIP. 12.6.11 We’ll miss you.

Kaitlyn Marie.

Check out my Facebook Page?

http://www.facebook.com/Kaitlyn.Caustic

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@AndySixsHeart

Kirsten

Please note: These are my opinions and I will be talking about the problems based on my side of the story.

That first day of middle school, I was such a lost little kid in a really big place. I was that little fish in a big bowl. I was going through my schedule trying to find where my classes were, and of course getting my locker open.

Do you all remember a time where the world was so big that you felt like you were the tiniest ant that had ever set a feeler on the Earth? That’s what it was like for me to be going into middle school and no matter the day, I always had a fear that my shoes, or my weight, or my hair would be judged because I was so different from everyone else.

On that first day, it was lunch time. The middle of the day where I had known a few people and I had no idea where they could be. None of the people I knew where in my classes and I went into that lunch room knowing that I was going to be sitting alone.

I walked into line, grabbed my food, then glanced over the crowded lunch room filled with chattering students just making connections and friends. Then, I headed to a small table where barley anyone was sitting and there was a girl sitting awkwardly beside me. We glanced at each other, and finally one of us shyly said “Hi.”

Can you imagine that one little word turned into a friendship? A friendship that lasted for two years and a couple months. We sat and ate lunch together everyday at the same time. Soon our table for two had grown into a small group of people that we hung out with. Nohemy, Kadysha, Emily, Tanima, Neha, Shelby, and many more people. We were all just having the time of our lives. And like every friendship there is the drama that goes a long with everyone.

An incident occurred where Kirsten had said something that bothered us. Kirsten is a fortunate girl. She had an iphone, macs, a big house, and much more than a lot of us had. While both of my parents worked, and I was living in a dumpy little apartment, she had a big house, computers and everything you could really ask for. This comment made us turn against her, leaving Kirsten to find her own way. The comment was, “I wish I could live down in the dirt like you guys,” as I took it; she was calling me poor, calling all of us poor.

We weren’t “friends” at the time because everyone was against her. Truth was, I was trying to get her back into the “acceptance” of our group. Most of us just wanted nothing to do with her, but I knew she needed someone, and a friend. I was trying to play sides and keep her happy, but I wasn’t being a good friend to her at all. I was trying to patch everything up between everyone and finally she was “allowed” back into our group.

Kirsten and her family Caitlyn, Mike, and Kate, they were like my second family. I loved every single one of them. I still do. To me, I had another home.

The start of 8th grade and Kirsten and I were excited to start the year together. Not only that, but the December of 2010 was the month we had seen our favorite band Black Veil Brides together. That’s one memory I hope she still remembered of us together. We went down to Vegas one time before to see them, but had to see Chris Angel instead, (no complaints there either). No matter what we were spending a lot of time together on long road trips and coming back with memory’s to last a lifetime.

We saw BVB together, and that was an amazing trip down to Vegas. We had so much fun together, and we were having the time of our lives.

Once eighth grade started we were ready to start the year together and this is when things started to fall apart. We knew two girls from our previous year; Amber and Kaylee. We started to hang out with them as well as Logan (a long time friend of Kirsten’s). We developed a new group that hung out, ate lunch together, and talked in class.

When I started dating Michael, Amber was very “opinionated” towards my relationship. These people were my friends, and so I kept no secrets away from them. I told them about my cutting and about stuff going on with Michael and me (that I’d like to keep private between him and I.) Then, Amber started to push me away. They were “giving me space” to be with my boyfriend, when the truth (that I find) was they were pushing me away. They had excluded me from things, and finally amber told me “You’re drama is taking over my life,” and so we ended a friendship.

Amber is a straight A girl that has blonde hair and blue eyes. Typical “good” girl as I’d like to call her. So it was no wonder that we would be different, because as you can see by the way I look and dress, we wouldn’t be considered friends; not even on another planet.

In any case a friendship ended which left Kirsten deciding between two people she cared for. I didn’t mind that she hung out with Amber and Kaylee, but I didn’t want to be around either of them. So now two friendships I had previous were falling apart because two of us didn’t get along. I was tired of the death stares, and glances and judgments they could’ve been making up in there mind. So I decided to hang out with the friends I had made last year. I hung out with them and was having fun, but I missed Kirsten.

Later that year I met Joy, (I’ll give you a bio in the next blog or so). I started to hang out with her and her friends along with her being friends with Kirsten, we hung out sometimes as well.

Kaylee and Amber didn’t like her for specific reasons (until I can get approval of talking about Joy’s personal life, I will not say such reasons.) However, they thought she was a bad influence on me and Kirsten. Whatever they were thinking, I didn’t mind hanging out with her. She was really the only friend that seemed to be an ali with me. She fought with me, stood by me, and always picked me up when I was down.

Back to the original story, when I had met Michael, I was in puppy dog love; just like that honeymoon phase of my relationship and Kirsten was tired of me talking about him. Apart of me tried to stop, but another part of me told me that it was just jealousy. No matter what, that took a tole on the relationship because she thought I was talking to him more than I was her.

Here is where my view comes in. Michael lives 60 some miles away from me, and I’d never seen him in my life and I was excited to meet him. I saw Kirsten every day at school, talked to her, hung out with her, and everything in-between. I admit, I did talk about Michael a lot, and no matter what, he always was on my mind, even today he still is. I couldn’t help that this was my first real relationship and that I was crazy about my lover. No matter what, we were friends and so I thought I could share my thoughts with her.

That was only the first rough part of our relationship, but I guess she decided to give me a second try to see if I would change. I knew I was on her nerves and so I decided to give her space, but I’m thinking that she though I was ignoring her, or replacing her. She was my girl best friend and Michael was my boyfriend and best friend. I couldn’t help that.

Things seemed to be getting better, but around the last three weeks of school, I was miserable. Why? Here we go:

One day we were both in the art room at lunch and she was reading a book. I just wanted to hang out with her because she was always so busy with hanging out with Amber and Kaylee that I never got to see her. I just wanted a day to be with her, but she got mad that I was “annoying” her because she was reading a book.

I understand what that’s like, but I still wanted to hang out with her. The next day, I was headed to the art room because the art show was coming up. Kirsten said she would help with it, but one day I told her, “Hey I’ll meet you at the lunch room,” but to be honest I think that she didn’t hear me halfway and snapped at me saying “I can’t go to the art room today!” No matter if she was having a bad day, family problems, or stressed, she had no right to yell at me. So I got mad at her as well, and replied “You said you would help with the art show.”

The argument continued and finally I had had enough of her excuses and stormed off to my locker. After a while I tried to apologize, but I was too angry so the words I wrote to her were in vain. I couldn’t help that I was angry and that I wanted to make her feel guilty, but that’s when she said the same words Amber had said to me.

“Your drama is taking over my life.”

That’s when we stopped talking and she had also called me an “attention *****,” and a “drama queen.” When I was called an “attention *****” I had enough of her judging me, and we haven’t talked since those last few days of school.

Today, I don’t know whats going on in her life, all I know is that I lost a family and a friendship that I loved. I was accused of not loving her the way she loved me. I was accused of not caring about her.

I find it interesting that when she told me I was in her boyfriend position, I knew that wasn’t right. As soon as she met a guy that was her boyfriend, I guess I didn’t matter. I didn’t know if she was being naïve, or giving me a taste of my own medicine.

No matter the reasons, no matter the case, the Kirsten and Kaitlyn duo were over, and today, there seems that there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Kirsten, if you ever come across this, know that I love you. I miss you, and I hope that the mask of goals you’ve set for yourself come true. I hope that you and your life is as fulfilling as I’ve always wished it to be.

Kaitlyn.

The More You Know

Please note: I don’t want anything to be laughed at or said when you are reading this. This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed.

Alright, if you’ve read my very first blog you’ve heard that I cut myself. Short explanation again was:

I felt as if I was dead. I felt like I was a zombie. To be completely honest, the world felt like nothing to me. I was losing everyone I cared about and nothing seemed to be going right. One day I was walking down the hall; told my English teacher and was taken to the counselor. My parents were to come to the school and I was taken to a mental hospital.

Well, during a period of time, I was on twitter. I’ve heard many things, comments such as:

“It’s too hard for me, I can’t do this!” Or:
“Screw life, I’m giving in.”

Usually these comments mean cutting, and a lot of them can be understood as suicide. A recent post on there from a certain band member:

“Goodbye…” along with a picture of some medication or pills.

Now this is a topic that can be widely controversial, so let me show the two sides.

Side number one:
This is the side where you are the person that is trying to talk them out of it. Where you are so scared for them to do something like this that you are crying, you try talking to them and helping them

Side number two:
This is the side where you think they are just trying to either get some attention or sympathy. Where you try to joke about the situation at hand just to either lighten the mood, or to be (in my case) a jerk about it.

The no side, side:
This is the side where you agree with both. The side where you agree that you want to help that person, but the line is drawn where someone shouldn’t be posting it for attention.

Alright, at first, the people that were joking about the situation upset me. I was angry and making judgments just like I try to tell people not to do. So I admit it, I was being a hypocrite at the time. But after the day wore down, and once I calmed myself, I focused on being team Switzerland here.

So, it is wrong of any person to tell everyone online that they are going to kill themselves on a social networking site. It may be a call for attention, and sometimes it’s just an outlet. Other times it can be serious and sometimes we are too late to stop it.

Joking about it is just as wrong. So please, help prevent suicide! No one should be taking their lives.

To all those people out there who feel alone, here I am. With loving arms, I’m telling you, you are beautiful.

Love,
Kaitlyn.

A continuation of a high school life.

My Best Friend Yesenia Godinez.

You know those moments when you’re trying to focus on something but then suddenly you feel a breath of air on your shoulder? You look over your shoulder very slowly and you see your best friend looking at you and you both just burst out laughing. Yeah, that’s me and Yesenia for ya.

I met Yesenia in the third grade. We weren’t really friends at the time because we were in different classes. At that time in my life, I didn’t know what it was like to have a best friend because I was always shy and never very social. One day, my other friend Ashley came up and introduced Yesenia to me as well as a girl named Vanessa. Yesenia, Ashley, and Vanessa all lived in the same apartments as I did so we all grew up together going to the same schools.

My elementary school was Roger Corbett. I PROMISE YOU NO RACISM HERE, BUT most of the population was Hispanic. When I was one of the only “white” kids there, I was uncomfortable with people of a different race, so it was hard to become friends. And no matter really who it was, it was so uncomfortable to become friends with anyone, that I would just be a loner in a sense.

By the time I was in the forth grade, Yesenia and I were in Mrs. Gemperly’s class. That is when we really started hanging out and talking. Yesenia, Ashley, and I all hung out after school, at my house, at their houses and we were having fun.

During that time I’d done something so stupid that could’ve ruined my friendship with Yesenia. We were at my house one day and my parents weren’t home. We were on the desktop in the dining room and we were playing on a game called Zwinky. Zwinky is an avatar game where you can go around chatting and play different games. There was this new feature called “dorm rooms.” We wanted one so bad, but didn’t want to wait and earn the “money” to buy one, so I stole my mom’s credit cards and put it in and bought it.

Later that night, my mom saw the $20.00 charged and I blamed everything on Yesenia. We went over to her house, got into an argument and sat awkwardly next to each other on the school bus. I tried apologizing with a letter, but she ripped it up. To be honest, I knew I was just trying to save my own ***, but I did the worst thing and that was betray a friend.

At some point and time, she forgave me. We built up the trust again, and we were on the same page that we left off.

On a side note for Yesenia personally:
Yesenia, you are one of the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. You make me laugh; your crazy, and we’ve shared some fun moments together. I know that what I did so long ago was wrong, and I never meant it to get to you. I’m glad you’ve stuck with me this much so far and I’m always going to love you through all of the stormy weather<3

Yesenia was an inspiration to me to do photography and she’s my teacher. I love her with all my heart and we’ve been friends for at least 6-7 years.

Yesenia is an amazing friend and anybody would be lucky just to be able to have her as that.

Michael Bean

Yes, the first person that I talk about is going to be my boyfriend.

Even way back in the seventh grade when everything was changing, I had the biggest crush on this amazing boy.

Alright don’t blame me for this, just to mention, this is the 21st century here. We met over an online site as you might imagine most teenagers meet new people. To be honest, I was finally starring at a cute guy that lived in my state. To be honest, I was looking for a person to understand me. I messaged him a while back and we started talking.

We were about three weeks into talking and barley becoming friends. I have a bad habit of falling too quickly and to be honest, I knew I had done something wrong the first time I asked him out. I waited, waited longer. Minute by minute I was about to fly off the walls and call for a reply. Finally, I decided to call him. Bad idea.
“Hey Michael?”
“Who is this?”
“Kaitlyn.”
“Oh okay, what’s up?”
“Um, I have a question for you.”
“What?”
“Would you wanna go out?”
Dead silence. I knew it wasn’t going to happen and I should’ve hung up the phone.
“I have a girlfriend, I’m sorry.”
“No its okay.”
From that day forward, everything was awkward. We stopped talking, cut each other off from both of our worlds until…

One day, (after my first Black Veil Bride concert) I was messaged on the same site.
“Hey, long time no talk.” I was scared, nervous even. I didn’t know what to do. At first I was angry thinking that after all this time he could’ve talked to me sooner. I replied back with a “Yeah. What have you been up to?”

Days went on with endless conversation for the last two years of my life. Now that I thought we had become friends again and we were closer than ever, I got those feelings for him like no other. So the second time I asked him out once more.
“So what do you think of me?”
“What do you mean?”
“What is your opinion of me, because I need to know?”
“You like me again don’t you?”
“Yeah?”
“Oh.”
“Do you think we could…?”
“I have a girlfriend still. I’m sorry.”
The second time I heard that. So I decided to get over him and move on, but how could I when I was still pushing to go out with him? We continued talking everyday continuing to be friends. Then one day he texted me.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, going to orientation at my school. Is something wrong?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what’s wrong?”
“My girlfriend was cheating on me.”
“When did you find this out?”
“About a month ago.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”
We kept talking for about a month after that and on that one day on January 11, 2011 he texted me again.
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
“What?”
“Do you like me?”
“Yeah, I like you. I like you a lot.”
“Will you go out with me?”
Those sweet words were just what I wanted to hear. I let my feelings take over and I said yes. Ever since then, he has been my entire world.

He lives further away from me so I don’t get to see him all the time, but every moment is magical. Every time he holds me, I’m safer, warmer, and closer to his heart. The kiss he gives me makes me melt to my knees and I’m always coming back for more.

I love this Michael Bean because when I was all alone. He was there holding my hand through it all<3

Black Veil Brides.

As this blog progresses, let me know what you all think about this long and endearing story. I’m only adding the stereotypes in here to give all of you who don’t understand a bit of an image to see what I’m talking about.

The summer of 2008, the first three-month summer I’d ever come across in my lifetime. I was so excited to be out of elementary and on my way to middle school! During that time, I was going through that transitioning period of becoming “who I was.” But, there was a specific part in the last blog I posted about a band.

Black Veil Brides. This band has literally gave me a reason to live. Since I was barley starting to over come the way people were treating me, I was looking for a new way to “invent” myself. One year, I decided to make a myyearbook account online. There is a feature on there call “Fan Requests,” and the band Black Veil Brides popped up and I accepted because I loved the way the band had looked. They appealed to me.

I look at their profile on there, and there is all this news about Andy, Jake, Jinxx, Sandra, and Ashley. This band had a different sound from what I was used to listening to. My friend Yesenia had recently gotten me into pop, but I didn’t listen to music all that often back in the 7th grade. When I saw them, their look had appealed to me so much, that I started to become a “fangirl” as I’d like to call it.

As I started to say last time that I was into the whole “emo” kind of scene, I wanted to know more about this band and add them, talk to them in any way, shape, or form. I discovered that this bands message was so much more than what I thought it would be. I was thinking that this was just another band with good music at first, but soon, this band it became an inspiration to me because of their message.

The message of Black Veil Brides is simple. Never Give In. This message (that I will elaborate) gave me my strength and confidence to be who I wanted to be. To elaborate on never giving in is not taking anybody’s crap. It means that you are going to be who you are no matter who tells you it’s wrong to wear your hair short, long, or have tattoos, to have piercings, and basically be who you are. It’s telling you not to let anyone tell you who you are and to never change yourself for those people that don’t understand you.

As a teenager, of course no one understands who you are because no matter what, we are all different, but we are all human. The other part of their message is to be able to do whatever (the ****) you want. If you want to be an artist, a singer, a doctor, or a lawyer, then go ahead and do what makes you happy.

During that time, I was very shy and a follower, but this band gave me a whole new outlook on life. They inspired me so much in so many different ways that are unexplainable. Their music built confidence within my heart. They made me more confident. As I’ve told you, I was a lot chubbier, but now, I’m trying to embrace what I’ve been given. There is so much more to this band than anyone realizes, unless of course you are apart of our army.

BVB (short for black veil brides) doesn’t have fans; they have an army. This army is filled with fallen angels (“outcasts.”) This army isn’t just family to them, but family to all of us in it. Before there was this huge of an army, we used to be called bridesmaids and ushers to this unique band.

Now I’m going to take time to talk about each one of the members as I see them and from their stories.

Jinxx (Guitarist/Violinist.)

I’ve recently read a story about Jinxx. As a child, Jinxx was classically trained to play the violin. The violin was easily incorporated into songs such as “Saviour” and “The Mortician’s Daughter.” Both songs are amazingly beautiful, but before all this success had came to this instrumentalist, there was that same boyish charm and failures in life. Before BVB, he was in one other band; “The dreaming.” The band wasn’t bad, but Jinxx 1“wanted more.” 1Quote “he wanted a real tour bus,” bigger crowds to play in front of and a band with a message. One day he met with CC and Jake Pitts one evening and shared a musical style. The style Jinxx has wanted. Andy was at a party that one evening where all of them met when Andy had already wanted to start Black Veil Brides. That’s how part of the band came to be. But what was it about Jinxx that makes him so relatable?

Before all this success, there had to be something he was doing before that. In his previous band, I’m guessing there wasn’t much income, which is why he departed. (That is not an accurate fact.) So after that he was working at burger joints just so he could barley even pay his own rent. He lived on the streets scraping for money, but found Black Veil Brides. Looks like BVB saved a band member as well.

Andy (Singer/Front-man)

From what I’ve read, this is the member I relate to the most. Andy is the founder, along with Sandra who is now in Modern Day Escape. He started this band when he was 14. Throughout this process, there have been many band members, but before I get into that, let me tell you why he relates.

When he was about the same age as me, around 12 or 13 he was chubby. Before the “emo” fashion was popular, he was chased down hallways being called 2“faggot and cutter.” I for one have never been chased down hallways, but I have been called both those things. Another thing that happened to him was there were hate notes in or on his locker describing him as “gay, “emo,” and faggot.” No matter what it was, those words hurt. The last thing that I’ve read was that his house was egged and his room was trashed because people didn’t understand why he wanted to wear lime green eye shadow or eyeliner.
Once the “emo” rave came over, he thought that he had enough to make a band. The first and I guess you could say original members were Pan, Sandra, and Andy. Pan was the guitarist, but he spread rumors about the band, and about Andy. Every other member at that time was expressing some sort of “unjoyfulness” when going to practice. So he was kicked out. Andy and Pan had some brotherly moments, but there was so much going for BVB at the time that they didn’t want to quit. So pan was gone and now it was time to find new members. Soon he met Jake, Jinxx, and Ashley and started creating a band together.

At that time, I had no one to relate to. I found that within the contents of this band there was a belonging and a place for me to esthetically be accepted. I found a family of m own that could help me through anything. The BVB army isn’t just an army, but we are a community and a family.

Jake Pitts (Guitarist)

Jake is quite similar to the story of Jinxx. Before being able to be a rockstar he was working crappy day jobs so that he could pay. At times he had to starve. He also deals with the same things as Andy did during school. He was told that he was different and picked on, but he told them 3I’m going to be a rockstar, they laughed at me, but I knew it would happen.”

His greatest influence is his mother. The song “Carolyn” was based off of his mother. From what I’ve heard, the song was about how his mother was dealing with cancer. This song was written in Andy’s point of view, however, the whole meaning behind it was how his mother and himself weren’t alone through this battlefield.

Ashley (Bassist)

From what I know, Ashley is the shyest person in the band. He’s quiet at times, but once he warms up everything is all good! He has the same message as the rest of the band does. From the blog I’ve read (that he himself has written) was talking about how he thought we are all talented and unique. There is nothing more to life than just being yourself. 4“I have to say, you are all inspiring and each have your own stories to tell that are all interesting.”

Not only with being a bassist for black veil brides he is also a certified Graphic Designer. He focuses on doing something you love and make sure that you are passionate about it. There isn’t much information on the bassist, so this is as much as I can say.

Christian Coma (Drums)

Since we all know how the band met up, there is much more that I can talk about him personally. 5His favorite color is green (in case you all wanted to know) and Cherry Pepsi is his favorite drink. He has been playing the drums for 17 (HOLY CRAP) years. Before this band he was in a different one. He is the newest drummer for BVB after Sandra joined a new band.

Sandra and CC actually were friends before she joined MDE. Everyone was sad to have Sandra leave, but everyone was open to the new drummer. He started playing in BVB in 2010 after the release of their first album “We Stitch These Wounds.”

If you are reading this and don’t understand what I’m talking about, I can completely understand, but this band is worth everything to me. When I met them in November, they were so nice at the meet and greets they had after the show. When I went there I handed Andy a piece of my artwork. He said “this is ****** awesome and that I should continue.” What made me melt was when he told me I had “beautiful blue eyes” I just about died. All of them are amazing and nice. They have inspired me by all of the music they’ve shared with us.

Here are some pictures of signatures, the band, and links to their songs and videos if you are interested.

(1.http://m.examiner.com/exHartford/db_/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=COBuQ7fx&full=true#display)
(2. http://www.myspace.com/andysix/blog/520324286)
(3. http://www.teenink.com/nonfiction/interviews/article/217273/Interview-With-Musician-Jake-Pitts-Lead-Guitarist-of-Black-Veil-Brides/)
(4.http://www.myspace.com/ashleypurdy/blog/539959061)
(5. http://andrewbiersack.blogspot.com/2011/02/christian-coma-cc-biography.html)

Society, The way one Views.

Please note, that this blog can all be up for discussion because of course, these are the opinions of myself. Its long, but hopefully you’ll see the way things are when you are completely different.

In every small town, where you know everyone, such as Hawthorne, Nevada, everyone knows everything about everyone. Within the contents of that small town, lives a girl. This girl is not your ordinary “girl next door” type of girl. She is a lot different in the way she views the world. This girl is what they call an outcast; a loner if you will. That girl happens to be just the same as me.

Hello, my name is Kaitlyn, and from the looks of the words that I’ve began to type, you may not be interested, but maybe, just maybe, you’ll continue on. I’m 14 and barley starting to go to high school. I’m new to all of this, so getting used to this big step along the way will be a hard one, but not as hard as what I deal with everyday. I know you may be thinking “being a teenager sucks in all cases,” but in some cases more than others. From the time I stepped foot into a school ground, I was picked on. I’m a lot chubbier than most people in my class, and I’ve never fit in anywhere. Not even as a small child.

As I got older, I still never grew out of wearing medium sized clothes until around the fifth grade when I got even bigger. Now wearing large sized tee shirts with a big bulging belly, I was always uncomfortable with the way God had built me.

I’m a lazy child, still am even as a teenager, but yet, not only was I being called “pregnant girl” I was also called “bra stuffer, and slut.” No matter what you believe, these fifth and sixth graders picked on me because of my size. Problem number two, as I began to grow into a seventh grader, everything changed.

During that summer of transitioning, I was starting to look into some of the stereotypes I found interesting. At first I thought about “going Goth.” After a while, I found out that being Goth meant all this different stuff that I didn’t like. These stereotypes were just a classification to the way that I had wanted to portray myself as. Truth was, the person inside was just that shy girl back in the sixth grade. The way I was stereotyped wasn’t whom the girl was inside.

Down that deep path, by the seventh grade I developed a “scene” or “emo” style. A scene style can be described as a girl who is confident. The urban dictionary describes them as this:
1.
typical “scene” girl:

-choppy hair
-usually black
-septum ring
-has a myspace with pictures of her from crazy angles with a TUFF face on because she’s so hardxcore
-goes to local shows all the time
-belongs to a livejournal community called “cuntxcore” or “gungunbangbang” or “murderscene”. because anything involving guns, or bang, or murder, or glamour, electric, shock, lust, or cunt, is cool in her book
-often says things like “SUP NIGZ” or “KTHXBAI” or “I HATE YOU KDIE” or “IM COOLER THAN YOU K” or “SUP IM RAD” on their myspace profile
-loves dinosaurs and robots and little girl bows and headbands because its just the way things are in the scene. Don’t ask them why all of them happen to find all of these things suddenly attractive, because they don’t know themselves, it’s just what TOTALLY SCENExCORE people do.

What you see here isn’t what I find to be a “scene” persona. A lot of the “scene” girls and or guys that I talk to are very nice. They are into raving, partying, rock, and dinosaurs. But this is what society has created, a classification.

The other stereotype I’m commonly called by is “emo.” My view of an “emo” (short for emotional) persona is just by the way they dress, not by the person on the inside. Urban dictionary describes it as:

2. Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who don’t smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.

They way urban dictionary describes it by the way they dress is quite close to what you see in real life, but truth is not every “emo” is depressed, likes rock music, ebony greasy unwashed hair, and sideways bangs. That’s not what “emo” is, at least in my view.

I found in myself, the same shy insecure girl that I always was. Not every stereotype is the general classification society gave us. I was focusing on not following the crowd. I wanted to take my own route to create a look that was mine and mine only.

During that period of time, I had discovered a band. The name is Black Veil Brides and the band consist of 5 members. Ashley, Andy, Jake, Jinxx, and Christian. All of them are a band together (but that’s a different story.) Anyway, there was one member I found that I could relate to the most; Andy. Andy (front man/singer) for the band had the same story that I could relate to myself. Andy’s story stunned me. He was chased down hallways, with hate notes and his house trashed. Growing up, he never felt like he fit in anywhere. Andy, and I quote 3.“other people would feel a sense of belonging in the context of that band, that was always the intention.” This band was created for the “outcasts” such as himself, and the rest of us that felt lonely in this world.

There is song called Fallen Angels. As you read the lyrics, I’ll go by each verse to tell you what I hope that it means.
Scream, shout, scream, shout
We are the fallen angels.
Fallen Angels are the true outcasts that don’t fit in Heaven or hell, and that’s where I feel this relates to me because no matter the people I tend to hang out with, I’m always the odd one out.
We are the in between
Cast down as sons of war
Struck to the earth like lightning
On this world we’re torn
Between becoming your own person, we have found ourselves torn between the two different worlds trying to find our way.
We won’t cause the pain
Of living out their law
Take joy in who you are
We know our wings are flawed
I think this means that we won’t take the troubles everyone else has made for themselves and live out their mistakes. Take joy in the person you are and they way you think even though you may not be perfect, doesn’t mean you have to tell us.
We’re bored to death in heaven
And down alone in hell
We only want to be ourselves
We are wanting to find a place where we wont be judged based off of the way we look. We just want to be who we are.
We scream, we shout
We are the fallen angels
We scream, we shout, woah, woah
To those who sing alone
No need to feel this sorrow
We scream, we shout, woah
We are the fallen angels
Right here, this verse is calling out to those who have aesthetically no one. If you are alone, you don’t have to be sad about what or who you really are.
Follow the morning star
A land where darkness failed
The passion left unholy
Now you found yourself
Follow who you want to be, and find who you are and don’t be the person someone wants you to be, be you.
We have nowhere to go
No one to wish us well
A cry to find our home
Our stories they will tell
Even though, you may have no where to go, you will leave a legacy behind of all the hard
times you’ve made it through.

Now before I continue with my story here, I want to tell you about a girl named Jade. She was around the same age I was. On the OUTSIDE was a perfectly happy girl. On the INSIDE was a girl that was insecure because people were calling her “slut, b****, faggot, fat, ugly,” and so on and so forth. Three days after releasing her story, she was bombarded with even worse comments. That last day, she had enough and took her own life to relieve herself from the pain those tiny words that people spoke to her.

This story is NOT about getting sympathy from anyone, it’s about showing what society becomes. Just as Jade had done before she took her life, she cut. I’m bringing that up because I did the same thing. During that time in my life I was loosing all the people I thought cared about me. My ex-best friend had called me a “drama queen, and an attention whore.” Those words fell deep within my heart. I was placed in a slump at the very end of the year. All the “friends” I had were all talking behind my back, they never liked me one bit. I confided in my English teacher, and my parents were brought into the mix and I was taken to a mental hospital.

The reason behind the cutting is explainable. I was cutting not for the description of an “emo,” but because I had lost my best friend, everyone was against me, and the only one I had left was my boyfriend that doesn’t even live near me. The cutting was a painful, stinging sensation; it made me feel alive. As I was trying to sort things in my mind about all the memories all of us shared, I was in a deep depression.

I was taken into therapy along with my mother and father. I didn’t want to even go. I was in more pain that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings. I’m not one to speak about the way I feel things. I like to keep my emotions to myself. After a few months of going, my family and I had actually become stronger. We were talking more, doing more things together, and becoming a family. The family I’ve always wanted.

Till this day, this are going great. I think that this whole “rainstorm” (as I would like to call it) was a good way to let a big rainbow shine through. I was stronger and I can easily express my opinions to my family.

If you haven’t taken anything out of this take what I’m about to say right now:
Words hurt, as from the quote, “Call a girl beautiful 1,000,000 times, and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, she’ll remember it forever.”
Stereotyping is done everywhere (even I do it,) just try to focus on the person behind the tattoos, piercings, and skin colors.
And for all of those who feel the same way I do, don’t cut yourself anymore. It harms you and all those who love you. There is hope, and as I end with a quote from Sammi Doll 4“You are a unique individual, out of 6,000,000,000 people in this world, there will never be another you.”

Thank you,
Kaitlyn

References:
(1.http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scene)
(2. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emo)
(3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_gcA-k5jPE)
(4. http://www.youtube.com/user/kloghry23#p/f/38/NTD5NQqMzTc)

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