Please note: These are my opinions and I will be talking about the problems based on my side of the story.
That first day of middle school, I was such a lost little kid in a really big place. I was that little fish in a big bowl. I was going through my schedule trying to find where my classes were, and of course getting my locker open.
Do you all remember a time where the world was so big that you felt like you were the tiniest ant that had ever set a feeler on the Earth? That’s what it was like for me to be going into middle school and no matter the day, I always had a fear that my shoes, or my weight, or my hair would be judged because I was so different from everyone else.
On that first day, it was lunch time. The middle of the day where I had known a few people and I had no idea where they could be. None of the people I knew where in my classes and I went into that lunch room knowing that I was going to be sitting alone.
I walked into line, grabbed my food, then glanced over the crowded lunch room filled with chattering students just making connections and friends. Then, I headed to a small table where barley anyone was sitting and there was a girl sitting awkwardly beside me. We glanced at each other, and finally one of us shyly said “Hi.”
Can you imagine that one little word turned into a friendship? A friendship that lasted for two years and a couple months. We sat and ate lunch together everyday at the same time. Soon our table for two had grown into a small group of people that we hung out with. Nohemy, Kadysha, Emily, Tanima, Neha, Shelby, and many more people. We were all just having the time of our lives. And like every friendship there is the drama that goes a long with everyone.
An incident occurred where Kirsten had said something that bothered us. Kirsten is a fortunate girl. She had an iphone, macs, a big house, and much more than a lot of us had. While both of my parents worked, and I was living in a dumpy little apartment, she had a big house, computers and everything you could really ask for. This comment made us turn against her, leaving Kirsten to find her own way. The comment was, “I wish I could live down in the dirt like you guys,” as I took it; she was calling me poor, calling all of us poor.
We weren’t “friends” at the time because everyone was against her. Truth was, I was trying to get her back into the “acceptance” of our group. Most of us just wanted nothing to do with her, but I knew she needed someone, and a friend. I was trying to play sides and keep her happy, but I wasn’t being a good friend to her at all. I was trying to patch everything up between everyone and finally she was “allowed” back into our group.
Kirsten and her family Caitlyn, Mike, and Kate, they were like my second family. I loved every single one of them. I still do. To me, I had another home.
The start of 8th grade and Kirsten and I were excited to start the year together. Not only that, but the December of 2010 was the month we had seen our favorite band Black Veil Brides together. That’s one memory I hope she still remembered of us together. We went down to Vegas one time before to see them, but had to see Chris Angel instead, (no complaints there either). No matter what we were spending a lot of time together on long road trips and coming back with memory’s to last a lifetime.
We saw BVB together, and that was an amazing trip down to Vegas. We had so much fun together, and we were having the time of our lives.
Once eighth grade started we were ready to start the year together and this is when things started to fall apart. We knew two girls from our previous year; Amber and Kaylee. We started to hang out with them as well as Logan (a long time friend of Kirsten’s). We developed a new group that hung out, ate lunch together, and talked in class.
When I started dating Michael, Amber was very “opinionated” towards my relationship. These people were my friends, and so I kept no secrets away from them. I told them about my cutting and about stuff going on with Michael and me (that I’d like to keep private between him and I.) Then, Amber started to push me away. They were “giving me space” to be with my boyfriend, when the truth (that I find) was they were pushing me away. They had excluded me from things, and finally amber told me “You’re drama is taking over my life,” and so we ended a friendship.
Amber is a straight A girl that has blonde hair and blue eyes. Typical “good” girl as I’d like to call her. So it was no wonder that we would be different, because as you can see by the way I look and dress, we wouldn’t be considered friends; not even on another planet.
In any case a friendship ended which left Kirsten deciding between two people she cared for. I didn’t mind that she hung out with Amber and Kaylee, but I didn’t want to be around either of them. So now two friendships I had previous were falling apart because two of us didn’t get along. I was tired of the death stares, and glances and judgments they could’ve been making up in there mind. So I decided to hang out with the friends I had made last year. I hung out with them and was having fun, but I missed Kirsten.
Later that year I met Joy, (I’ll give you a bio in the next blog or so). I started to hang out with her and her friends along with her being friends with Kirsten, we hung out sometimes as well.
Kaylee and Amber didn’t like her for specific reasons (until I can get approval of talking about Joy’s personal life, I will not say such reasons.) However, they thought she was a bad influence on me and Kirsten. Whatever they were thinking, I didn’t mind hanging out with her. She was really the only friend that seemed to be an ali with me. She fought with me, stood by me, and always picked me up when I was down.
Back to the original story, when I had met Michael, I was in puppy dog love; just like that honeymoon phase of my relationship and Kirsten was tired of me talking about him. Apart of me tried to stop, but another part of me told me that it was just jealousy. No matter what, that took a tole on the relationship because she thought I was talking to him more than I was her.
Here is where my view comes in. Michael lives 60 some miles away from me, and I’d never seen him in my life and I was excited to meet him. I saw Kirsten every day at school, talked to her, hung out with her, and everything in-between. I admit, I did talk about Michael a lot, and no matter what, he always was on my mind, even today he still is. I couldn’t help that this was my first real relationship and that I was crazy about my lover. No matter what, we were friends and so I thought I could share my thoughts with her.
That was only the first rough part of our relationship, but I guess she decided to give me a second try to see if I would change. I knew I was on her nerves and so I decided to give her space, but I’m thinking that she though I was ignoring her, or replacing her. She was my girl best friend and Michael was my boyfriend and best friend. I couldn’t help that.
Things seemed to be getting better, but around the last three weeks of school, I was miserable. Why? Here we go:
One day we were both in the art room at lunch and she was reading a book. I just wanted to hang out with her because she was always so busy with hanging out with Amber and Kaylee that I never got to see her. I just wanted a day to be with her, but she got mad that I was “annoying” her because she was reading a book.
I understand what that’s like, but I still wanted to hang out with her. The next day, I was headed to the art room because the art show was coming up. Kirsten said she would help with it, but one day I told her, “Hey I’ll meet you at the lunch room,” but to be honest I think that she didn’t hear me halfway and snapped at me saying “I can’t go to the art room today!” No matter if she was having a bad day, family problems, or stressed, she had no right to yell at me. So I got mad at her as well, and replied “You said you would help with the art show.”
The argument continued and finally I had had enough of her excuses and stormed off to my locker. After a while I tried to apologize, but I was too angry so the words I wrote to her were in vain. I couldn’t help that I was angry and that I wanted to make her feel guilty, but that’s when she said the same words Amber had said to me.
“Your drama is taking over my life.”
That’s when we stopped talking and she had also called me an “attention *****,” and a “drama queen.” When I was called an “attention *****” I had enough of her judging me, and we haven’t talked since those last few days of school.
Today, I don’t know whats going on in her life, all I know is that I lost a family and a friendship that I loved. I was accused of not loving her the way she loved me. I was accused of not caring about her.
I find it interesting that when she told me I was in her boyfriend position, I knew that wasn’t right. As soon as she met a guy that was her boyfriend, I guess I didn’t matter. I didn’t know if she was being naïve, or giving me a taste of my own medicine.
No matter the reasons, no matter the case, the Kirsten and Kaitlyn duo were over, and today, there seems that there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Kirsten, if you ever come across this, know that I love you. I miss you, and I hope that the mask of goals you’ve set for yourself come true. I hope that you and your life is as fulfilling as I’ve always wished it to be.